Starbucks Hypes New "Individualized" Stores
Q. What's the difference between a salesman and a marketer?
A. Salesmen know when they are lying.
Caleb Hannan wrote a scathing article in the Daily Weekly that concluded with directions on how to "cleanse yourself of the stench of [Starbucks VP of Marketing Tim] Pfeiffer's corporate-speak."
I'm not sure the video below is quite that bad, but you have to admit that Pfeiffer—and many marketers like him—tend to take themselves a bit too seriously.
Starbucks is opening custom-designed stores that attempt to blend in with their local environments. That's it. Unfortunately that sound bite only lasts a few seconds, so Tim Pfeiffer—VP of Global Magnificence—felt he needed to fill that void with over three minutes of Starbucks marketing drivel:
The following is a helpful guide to help you better understand what Starbucks is trying to say in this video:
Cafe presence: A store.
Open the throat: He's either referring to a tracheotomy or a euphemism for increasing cutthroat business practices... not sure which.
Major coffee theater: A clear indication that everything he and the company do and say is an act, they don't really mean any of it.
Elevate the offering: The religious connotations are self evident here.
More bespoke and one-off: "McDonald's started building customized stores a while back so we thought we'd copy that idea."
Availability of the interaction of the barista: I got nothing here. It's English (and he's a marketer), so he was probably trying to make a point about something.
The go-forward: All marketing men of action are legally required to include "go-forward" at least once in a conversation.
Great coffee messaging: Ads.
Our coffee authority: Starbucks will continue to crush all competition (in an environmentally responsible fashion).
So Tim, keep up the good work... but get over yourself, it's just coffee.
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