Avril Poses For Charm School Award

Yeah, I know, it’s bad karma to engage in schadenfreude, but sometimes, a person’s own karmic ballsiness balances out the joy in wishing them misery.

Avril Lavigne is just that sort of person. Avril’s vile, snotty, bratty, narcissistic, anti-social and worst of all, possesses a very limited supply of talent. A talent mind you, which she has chosen to waste on poorly crafted fake-punk songs. Kind of offends me actually, as I grew up when punk was born and the spirit of punk is essentially the antithesis of Avril Lavigne.

Ahh, but I digress. Let’s get to the fun part. Multiple reports are coming out in the tabloids after the story first broke in the National Enquirer, that while Avril was performing a show in China, her hubby of 2 years, fellow pseudo-punker Deryck Whibley (Sum 41) is out with the ladies. Here’s more from the Daily Dish:

According to the National Enquirer the pair — who wed in 2006 — has been troubled since Lavigne embarked on her world tour earlier this year, often leaving the couple thousands of miles apart.

A source tells the magazine Lavigne and Whibley “have been growing apart for months,” adding, “Deryck isn’t motivated in his own career, so he’s been drinking and partying.”

Rumors of their split were fueled when Whibley was reportedly seen at an event at a Los Angeles nightclub “huddled at a private table” and holding the hand of an unknown woman.

As WENN went to press a spokesperson for Lavigne and Whibley had not returned requests for comment.

So another one may or may not bite the dust. I have to say this is no tragic loss. Avril’s self-absorbed behavior must be grating even to other self-absorbed people. It was simply a matter of time. As for that comment from Lavigne and Whibley, chances are it would be in the form of a loogie anyway. Hey WENN, count yourself lucky you DIDN’T hear back from them.

Elle MacPherson is suffering from Madonnaitis, which makes your cheekbones look weird, among other side effects - Awful Plastic Surgery

Courtney Cox: Shill for super-pricey anti-wrinkle cream, use Botox, get wrinkles anyway – Deceiver

If you’ve ever dreamed of owning the double-decker bus from Spiceworld, here’s your golden opportunity – PopCrunch

Avril Lavigne and hubby may be splitting up, take 528.  Wanna ride bikes? – ICYDK

Is it just me or is George Clooney channeling his inner Clark Gable? – PITNB

 

Faced with slow ticket sales and not much interest in her concerts, Avril Lavigne held a press conference to try to get people to pay attention to the fact that yes, as of March 5 she is going on tour:

More energy and her biggest stage show ever is what Avril Lavigne is promising on her upcoming two-month-long “The Best Damn Tour,” which kicks off March 5 in Victoria, Canada.

“My inspiration for this record, a lot of it came from the live show and knowing what kind of songs I wanted to play live,” Lavigne told reporters today (Feb. 11) during a teleconference. “I wanted to play fast, fun songs. I love playing songs like ‘Sk8er Boi’ onstage because the crowd just reacts, and I love it when everyone is freaking out and jumping.

“My last record, ‘Under My Skin,’ was pretty mid-tempo and darker, so every song was like bri

Hey, wanna ride bikes?

 

Who?  Oh yeah, that one guy who tells us who dressed horribly the year before.   Anyway, he has decided that Mad Posh, also known as Victoria Beckham, was his official Worst Dressed Celebrity of 2007:

The fashion maven’s 48th Annual Worst Dressed Women List, released Tuesday, placed the Spice Girl at number one, a dishonor that was accompanied by this biting remark: “In one skinny-mini monstrosity after another, pouty Posh can really wreck-em.”

I could have told you that without a press conference.  Glad nobody’s releasing a Worst Pun Used To Describe A Fashionista list.

I have to say, I agree with him.  Rarely have I seen a woman with so much potential to be a beautiful style icon, screw it up so badly on such a consistent basis.  I’d also like to see her favorite fashion accessory, David, on some sort of a list as well.  I’m sorry, but you can just tell these two fight for space in front of the mirror.  Your man shouldn’t look more stylish and put together than you do.

Noticeably absent from the list is Britney Spears, because he believes that she needs to get her life in order before he picks on her bad clothing choices.  Well, at least he has a heart.

But I have to agree with the other women on his list as well.  They are, in order: 

1. Victoria Beckham
2. Amy Winehouse
3. Mary-Kate Olsen
4. Fergie
5. Kelly Clarkson
6. Eva Green
7. Avril Lavigne
8. Jessica Simpson
9. Lindsay Lohan
10. Alison Arngrim

WAIT a second…Alison Arngrim?  Nellie Oleson from Little House On The Prairie?  Uh oh…Mr. Blackwell’s skinny behind is in for it now.  Crazazy bizzle will kick some gay boo-tay for putting her on this list.  I hope he has a well-dressed security guard, because don’t nobody diss Nellie without some hair getting pulled out.

Now THAT’S may-jah.

Happy Birthday to Avril Lavigne!!

The world’s most humble and beautiful singer celebrated her 23rd birthday with an outing in L.A. at Koi, and she and some girlfriends played peek-a-boo with the paps.

Fame really suits some people, and Avril is the epitome of grace. Salt of the earth is she. Listening to her laugh is like experiencing the flight of a 1,000 doves while simultaneously hearing the cathedral bells chime as we envision another angel earning her wings.

So, here’s to you Avril. Happy Birthday you useless whore.

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Avril Lavigne gave a fabulous interview to the UK’s Q Magazine and Us Magazine shared some highlights. She was very open, refreshingly honest and shared some tremendous insight on her inner machinations.

In a list called “Avril’s Ten Commandments” she runs down through ten things we should all admire about her, least of which is her giving spirit. Enjoy!

On her generosity:
“I am a very giving person. When the hurricane thing happened, I went to my closet, filled six boxes of stuff and said to my assistant, ‘Take it to Katrina!’ I also like to give stuff to people who are my ‘workers,’ especially if they don’t make much money’.

Wow, where do I begin my dissection? Hey Avril, how about instead of sending them your filthy, hideous clothes, you send them some money. You know something useful. What makes you think mothers and babies who are starving and dehydrated want with your skull-infested attire? Your cranium is completely filled with rancid air isn’t it? Also, giving “stuff” to your ‘workers” ? How magnanimous. Maybe if you’d give them some money they wouldn’t be in the “they don’t make much money” category, you unrelenting whore.

On dealing with her incredible success:
“Selling 24 million albums hasn’t really affected me, but it has changed things. I can’t walk into a room full of people any more without everybody turning their heads, and I can only eat in certain restaurants where I know I won’t get hassled. But that’s OK. I was born to do this, and so I’ve learned how to cope.”

Hey C-rag, if it hasn’t affected you, how come you need to mention the number of records you sold? And btw, people turn their heads to look at you because they are disgusted that someone so annoying is allowed to dine in an establishment for humans. Pig troughs are outside skank. There’s something else your were born to do also: kiss my ass. So how about you starting living up to your birthright!

On her competition:
“Someone like Kelly Clarkson is beautiful and has a pretty voice, but with me you get a much stronger image. I’m tough, I have a look that girls want to copy, and I sound a particular way. It’s good if you’re not easily ignored. And I’m not.”

Say what you want about Kelly Clarkson, but she hasn’t bent to the will of the music industry, unlike your fake, cheap, tired ass. What was all that crap you used to spout about wanting to make music, and not caring about being some kind of sex symbol? My real “faux leather purse” is more genuine than you or your rhetoric. And yes, you are easily ignored, except when I have some angst to release, for which you are most useful, you diseased tramp.

And last but not least…

On her polarizing personality:
“People love me and people hate me, but I’m comfortable in my own skin and that’s what counts. And anyway if you do hate me, you’re the loser, not me.

Well, I do hate you and whether or not I am a loser is of no consequence. What matters is you are a grating, arrogant, snotty, skeevy, fork-tongued brat who desperately needs to have a large patch of her hair snatch off the top of her head…and I am just the loser to do it.

 

Avril Lavigne is on the latest cover of Blender Magazine, which as it turns out, is not in fact a torture device which she will be fed to, but instead a music mag.  Why is she on the cover of a music magazine you ask?  Beats me, because what she makes isn’t music, but something I like to call: a steaming pile of excrement. 

I am assuming that the “hell yeah, I’m hot” quote came directly from Avril herself.  She is well known for her self-deprecating charm and quiet modesty.  She’s also known for being a raging b*tch who bleats and barks like a like a caged wolverine, which could be hot, but in her case is really annoying and makes you want to light it on fire to put it out of its misery.

While I am not privvy to the contents of the article (THANK YOU LORD) I did find this ridiculous blurb in Blender’s Editor’s Picks section for May 20, by none other than their senior Editor Mike Errico:

“Avril Lavigne, “Girlfriend”
Resolved: There is no such thing as a “Guilty Pleasure.” You either like something or you don’t. Does this song have substance, weight … importance? Will generations huddle for warmth around a postapocalyptic trash fire humming “Girlfriend,” wistful for the promise of a generation choked to near-extinction by their own political and environmental policy decisions? Oh, shut it. You won’t ruin Avril for me. Not this week, anyway.”

Talk about some feint praise.  So, what this tells me is that Mr. Errico was forced to say something vaguely nice about Avril as she graces their cover, this also means Mr. Errico is a shell of a man willing to sell his soul for money, and from this day forward anything he endorses is to be treated like the ramblings of an idiot — oh he is also touched in the head.

Avril fans, her new album is shallow, immature and unlistenable.  You want some female angst rock, do yourself a favor, burn your Avril and listen to Liz Phair’s Exile In Guyville.

 

Yes, that’s right folks.  Having your inner nostril cavities eaten away by toxic white substances, humping anything that stands still long enough and mugging for any and all cameras is all it takes to be hot.  Having a successful movie career, not so hot.

Whomever wrote this garbage for Maxim about Lindsay Lohan needs a raise for this shovel-full of nonsense:

Tabloid bloodsuckers have been feasting on this Long Island native for three years running, but that’s only because this unbelievably beautiful, untamable Golden Age throwback with a nonstop social calendar and acclaimed acting chops is Ann-Margret, Meryl Streep, and Sophia Loren rolled into one. Moving well beyond kid fodder like Herbie Fully Loaded, she next stars in the highly anticipated film about the murder of John Lennon, Chapter 27. She’s following that up with the freaky thriller I Know Who Killed Me. But if you happen to see Lindsay’s smoky eyes from across some bar in West Hollywood, don’t bother sending over a drink—she’s accomplished all this before her 21st birthday. Wink.

But worry not, this list has Fergie at #10 and so this list can’t be taken all that seriously can it?

Here’s the Maxim Top Ten:

• 1.Lindsay Lohan
• 2.Jesssica Alba
• 3. Scarlett Johansson
• 4. Christina Aguilera
• 5. Jessica Biel
• 6. Ali Larter
• 7. Eva Mendez
• 8. Rihanna
• 9. Eva Longoria
• 10. Fergie

And some notable numbers, Ashlee Simpson #16, Avril Lavigne#15, Angelina Jolie #12, Carmen Electra #28, Rose McGowan #44 and Dita Von Teese #82?  WTF?  Clearly these numbers aren’t based on looks alone, or talent, or whether some of these women are hags (like Rose McGowan).  The good news, not one mention of Paris Hilton or Britney Spears!!!! Schweeet!

 

The reign of the Desi-Queen ended last night, and America’s beloved Sanjaya Malakar was finally sent on his way – and Simon Cowell couldn’t have been more giddy.  I think I saw Simon’s heart shrink two sizes last night at the very notion the kid who almost ruined American Idol was going home.  Really, you’d think a man his age could show a little more maturity.

The bottom three was kind of a shock, but it’s merely a testament to how closely matched the talent gets at this stage of the competition.  In reality, had Sanjaya remained, it would have been an injustice to the other two in the bottom three: Lakisha Jones and Blake Lewis – but I wouldn’t have cried.  Don’t worry though girls, you can be guaranteed that a mediocre talent like Sanjaya will being polished and marketed for your consumption.  At least he has charisma, unlike most artists nowadays.

This season has plenty of talent, all kinds of stars, tons of controversy – but something is missing.  I just don’t feel like rooting for anyone. I ‘d finally come to accept Sanjaya at this stage, had he stayed it would have been ok with me – not right – but ok.  I feel very: *shrug* eh, who cares.

Maybe it’s the songs. 

Country music is not my favorite.  I am beyond insulting the genre anymore, because really, it’s not country.  I don’t know what it is, but I can’t make myself respect it.  All musical genres have been forced into the middle.  Homogenized beyond their original appeal.  Even my beloved punk have been consumed and barfed up and marketed as Avril Lavigne.  The ‘new’ new wave of Brit invasion is welcomed, but even they are don’t have what it takes to keep up. 

My pals at Get Your OJ and Confessions of A Fan Boy are trying to bring back the music, but their cries are being drowned out by the corporate whitewash of the music industry and of course, shows like American Idol. 

Cliched as it may be, music really is being controlled and ruined by men in suits – and 12-year-old girls who weep for the next Franki Valli.

Oh well, who cares.  It’s just one more joy within me that’s died, big deal.

 

When it seems that all we ever see lately are pictures of women, young and old, trying to attain an ideal of beauty and physical appearance that is not the norm, it’s good to see that Kelly Clarkson embraces who she is in all her glory.  Seriously I mean that.  Here’s Kelly on the way to a video shoot looking happy and cheerful.  At least she’s happy to sing her songs and does it with panache, unlike that arrogant twit Avril.

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