We try not to acknowledge fame drop-out Jessica Simpson too often, it merely encourages her, and honestly, encouragement is the LAST thing she needs. But alas, sometimes Jess’ ability to draw unwanted attention to herself goes above and beyond, and even we can’t look the other way.

So, what did Jessica Simpson do besides wear that unfortunate ensemble, which also included a pair of “mom” jeans? Well, she spouted off at the mouth about her equally moronic boyfriend, Dallas Cowboy quarterback Tony Romo, whose career has taken a nosedive since she came into his life. Like we’ve said before, Jessica is an albatross, a bad omen, a curse upon the land. Oh, and she’s now relegated to singing at chili cookoffs (to be fair, there were 30,000 people there).

First the ensemble. Jessica is a pretty girl, there’s no doubt, but she’s also what Judd Nelson as John Bender from the great film The Breakfast Club would call a “Claire.” When Claire (played by the original firecrotch, Molly Ringwald) says, “I’m not fat,” Bender explains, “Well not at present, but I can see you really pushing maximum density. See I’m not sure if you know this, but there are two kinds of fat people: there’s fat people that were born to be fat, and there’s fat people that were once thin but became fat… so when you look at ‘em you can sorta see that thin person inside. You see, you’re gonna get married, you’re gonna squeeze out a few puppies and then, uh…”

Yeah, so that describes Jessica, and I have found through empirical research that the more she blabs about her current love interest (for now, Tony Romo) the fatter she gets. Now, I have no problem if Jessica Simpson wants to be all puffy and bloated, that’s her business. But if she is going to get up on stage and sing at a chili cookoff wearing that redonkulous outfit, well then it becomes MY business.

But wait, there’s more…

Kanye West has something new to complain about:  He has too many fans and that is preventing him from posing naked.  No, I didn’t make that up – The Superficial

JLo has a hankering for rolls at the Golden Globes - Perez

Ryan O’Neal pleads guilty to drug possession and general acting-like-a-jerkness – Popeater

Jessica Alba:  It’s a cruel, cruel summer (and the winter ain’t been too kind either) – Celebslam

Forget the uproar about gas prices and the global threat of terrorism, Obama is having trouble choosing the family pet! – PopCrunch

That’s right, kids…better safe than sorry.  Take a moment and check.  Make sure you’re protected before you venture out into the netherworld known as the Weird Wide Web or you just might pick up something really nasty:

According to McAfee, when searching for “Brad Pitt,” “Brad Pitt downloads,” or Brad Pitt wallpaper, screen savers, and pictures, Internet users experience an 18 percent chance of stumbling upon sites containing malicious code. This includes drive-by malware that can infect your PC without asking you to download anything. Such social engineering, once reserved for e-mail, is now being used to populate search results with fake sites for these personalities.

One site advertising Angelina Jolie downloads, for example, contained 978 hidden malware-infected wallpaper and photo downloads, said McAfee. A site dedicated to Jessica Alba linked to other bad sites, contained misleading offers to gather information and produced a high number of spam e-mails when an e-mail address was provided.

Or better yet…when wishing to search for Brad Pitt photos, practice abstinence.

Here’s the complete list:

1. Brad Pitt
2. Beyoncé
3. Justin Timberlake
4. Heidi Montag
5. Mariah Carey
6. Jessica Alba
7. Lindsay Lohan
8. Cameron Diaz
9. George Clooney
10. Rihanna
11. Angelina Jolie
12. Fergie
13. David Beckham
14. Katie Holmes
15. Katherine Heigl

For every light side, there is a dark side.  Just after writing about Nicole Kidman possibly deciding to give away her baby photos for free (like every other mom), I read that actress Jessica Alba gave in and decided to whore out her little brown baby for the Almighty Dollar after all:

TMZ has learned Honor Marie Warren, celebuspawn of Jessica Alba and hubby Cash Warren, is now $1.5 million richer thanks to OK! Magazine.

We’re hearing the two-part deal consists of pictures of the baby now, and one other “event” — Christmas, Thanksgiving, vacation, etc. Our spy said Jessica initially turned down the offers of several weekly mags, not wanting to sell, but eventually caved.

Isn’t that lovely.  It just warms the heart to see people getting rich(er) off the photographs of their own flesh and blood.  I’m sure Jessica and Cash are so hurting for money that they had no choice but to pimp out their kid.

Seriously.  How many times do I have to say it?  It’s a baby, just like any other baby in the world.  Some babies may be plump and some not so much, some may have lighter skin and some have darker skin, some may have hair and some may be bald, but for the most part babies look alike.  Little wrinkly people.  Babies are cute, but what makes celeb babies more cute than anyone else’s?  Or is it just the public’s continual fascination with all things celebrity?

Jessica had better put that money in the bank.  Once she’s no longer the hot thing (you know, when the body begins to succumb to age), she’ll no longer have a career.

The much-maligned tabloid darling Jessica Alba, 27, finally gave birth to her first child this week, daughter Honor Marie Warren, with long-time boyfriend Cash Warren, 31, whom she met on the set of Fantastic Four in 2004. The couple married a couple of weeks ago, just in the nick of time I’d say. Congrats on both fronts!

Jessica claimed recently they wouldn’t be selling pictures of their baby to the major print tabs, but it seems that statement was less than true. MSNBC’s the Scoop, has the scoop:

Jessica Alba, who gave birth to a girl on June 7, doesn’t seem to have plans to sell photos of little Honor Marie Warren — at least not yet. “I haven’t really gotten any (offers) — not that I’m aware of. You have to understand, everything that is written is kind of bull,” Alba told the New York Daily News.

Several magazine insiders say Alba’s claim about the offers is not true. In fact, the insiders say offers were made to Alba, that she was kept in the loop and that some talks are still in progress.

The insiders cite Us Weekly, OK! magazine and People as the weeklies most likely to score a deal. “She is part of the talks, I don’t know why she’d go out and say that,” said one insider.

Alba’s rep, Brad Cafarelli, clears up some of the confusion, saying, “While several publications have expressed interest in photos, Jessica and Cash have not entertained any specific offers, nor was it something they wished to commit to before the baby was born.”

I love Hollywood. Seriously, if it weren’t full of so many phonies, liars, cheats and sneaks my job would be a drag! Luckily, there’s something about being a detached-from-reality famewhore that makes people’s brains sort of sluggish.

I loved that last paragraph quoting Alba’s flack and how he “clears up some of the confusion,” ‘cuz you know, we’re all really stupid. Personally, if you want to sell pics of your “brown” baby to the tabs, just go for it you miserable grouch (”brown” is the term Jessica used, when she stated she hoped she’d have a brown baby and not some “white” baby, most likely because she has a horrible reputation for being less than proud of her latin heritage). It’s her kid, if she wants to profit off of it, it’s her business, but don’t go around lying about it, or trying to spin it, or worse yet, perhaps imply those who do sell pics are somehow beneath you.

Ugh, some celebs are too stupid to see how absolutely ridiculous and pathetic they come across. If I did PR for famous people (something I think I’d be great at IMHO) I’d have said, “Look, nannies, silk diapers, mink jumpers and Jaguar strollers don’t pay for themselves. If some dumbass wants to spend $3.50 to see pics of my client’s spawn, then who are we to deny them their joy. Now piss off jackass.”

See, simple, honest and direct. Just the way I like it I’m available, will work for beer.

The coupling of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes has been the fodder of tabloid rags for the last two and half years — or as we like to call it — BOCJ, aka Before Oprah Couch Jumping.

It would seem the rumors swirling as to the exact circumstances of their meeting are heating up again, with a new twist coming forward at the hands of ex-Scientologist Mark Headley. In a post on Cleveland Leader (a pretty cool site btw) they quote Headley from a News Of The World article:

After [Tom split with Penelope Cruz], he started complaining to his best buddy David about his luck with girls. So Miscavige assigned a high-ranking official with the order: ‘Find a wife for Tom Cruise.’

“The official put out a casting call to female actresses, including Scientologists, saying, ‘There’s an upcoming Tom Cruise movie you might get a part in. Come for an audition.’ But in the end no movie was made. They had to be single, they had to be pretty and in their 20s.

“First they rounded up Scientologist actresses like Erica Christensen, Erica Howard and Sofia Milos. But they were all rejected.”

“Then… they went for Jennifer Garner, Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Alba, in that order. They came up with the same plan. Jennifer and Jessica didn’t bite but Scarlett took the bait and came in for an audition. When she arrived at the audition address and found out it was the Scientology Center in Hollywood she freaked out and didn’t do a tape…

“So they worked the audition tape on Katie, got her to L.A. and introduced her to Tom. The moment he meets her, he’s enthralled with her and he told Miscavige later, ‘I knew immediately she was the one.’”

Not one bit of this surprises me considering what I have read so far in Andrew Morton’s: Tom Cruise, An Unauthorized Biography. Andrew describes Tom Cruise as a hopeless romantic who woos his ladies with flowers and expensive gifts, doting on them until the inevitable charm wears off, as it did with his first wife, Mimi Rogers and second wife, Nicole Kidman. Far from the media’s dogged pursuit of the alleged “gay scandal” which has plagued Tom since a handful of beefcake pictures surfaced in gay magazines in New York in the early 80’s, Tom is a “man’s man” and pursues his conquest with stalkery devotion until as one ex-girlfriend from his hometown in Glen Ridge, Diane Van Zoeren states, “When he was done with you, he was done with you.”.

Katie was likely swept off her feet in the same way Nicole was initially, with Tom smothering her with grand gestures of long-stemmed roses and diamond jewelry. It certainly couldn’t have hurt matters that Katie once admitted she told her siblings she would one day “marry Tom Cruise.”

What’s also interesting about this book, which I highly recommend not only for its insight into the core and essence of Tom Cruise, but also a stark and revealing look at Scientology and church leader David Miscavige, is how even-handed and well-written it is. Andrew Morton, despite the bad press the CoS tried to paint about the book, took great pains to present Tom in the most honest light, showing all of his inherent positive qualities like his aforementioned romantic spirit, love of family, hands-on parenting, drive and dedication and superior work ethic, but also the negative, which include a cruel streak a mile wide (as demonstrated with how he treats the women he’s “done with”), his blind devotion to Scientology, a hair-trigger litigious sensitivity and an obvious lack of good judgment of people’s character (ie, he is essentially BEST friends with David Miscavige despite overwhelming evidence showing DM as being a petty, angry, violent paranoid).

Tom Cruise is no doubt a complicated figure. I fear for Katie Holmes should at any point she even slightly deviate from the path of Scientology, like Nicole Kidman did. It will be the end of her fairy-tale marriage to Tom and likely, the last she will see of her precious Suri. Tom’s heart, as painted by Andrew Morton, has room for only one true love, and that is Scientology. For within the arms of the Church, Tom finds the validation, security, adoration and sense of belonging he clearly never received in any of the women, family, awards, or fan worship he was ever bestowed.

And that my friends, is where the Church of Scientology’s magnetic pull on celebrities lurks.

This is dumb as hell, but I just couldn’t resist.

Any self-respecting celebrity would ignore a tabloid magazine making false claims about them being dumped, but not that glamorous albatross Jessica Simpson. Hells No! Jessica did NOT get dumped by Tony Romo and she has sicked her lawyers all over OK! Magazine for saying otherwise.

What.Ev.Er! Everyone knows tabloid magazines make up half the crap they write anyway. They’re not in it for the journalistic integrity. Ok! Magazine doesn’t care about facts, investigative reporting, libel, slander or over-the-top B.S. They care about selling magazines. All they have to say is “sources reveal exclusively to Ok!, that such and so, did such and such.” And it’s up to the consumer of said magazine to discern what sounds reasonable and what doesn’t.

Here’s the cease and desist letter from Jess’ lawyers to Ok! Magazine.

I will spare you the legal mumbo jumbo, essentially it says Ok!’s mean, they make sh*t up, they can’t back it with any verifiable sources, and they suck. I can’t say as I disagree, but to put too fine a point on it really draws WAY more attention to a story no one cares about anyway.

So Tony didn’t dump Jessica, YET. Rest assured, at some time in the near future he will, because let’s face it, Papa Joe is an annoying, creepy, interfering celeb-pimp who uses his little girls to boost his ego and line his pockets. He’s the one Ok! should be publicly dragging through the mud, not his two goofy kids.

George Clooney is said to have uttered the following when asked what he thought about Nicole Kidman’s pregnancy announcement yesterday while attending the Critics Choice Awards, his response:

“At least she is older than 16.”

One can only assume this was an apparent dig at Jamie Lynn Spears, who is also pregnant, but at the ripe, old age of 16. Apparently, not all of Hollywood thinks being unmarried, under 18 and pregnant is a good thing.

But wait, there’s more…

Must be something in the water out in LA. because those freaks can’t seem to stop with all the baby-making. K will not be happy to hear another celeb if foisting yet another innocent child into the heinous world of fame. I for one love when the crazies procreate. It makes for even more craziness. Nothing pushes you further over the edge like having kids, so keep going you sex machines.

People is reporting actress Jessica Alba and her long-time boyfriend Cash Warren are due in late spring/early summer. From the article:

“I can confirm that Jessica and Cash are expecting a baby in late spring, early summer,” says rep Brad Cafarelli.

Alba, 26, has dated Warren, 28, since the fall of 2004 after they met on the set of The Fantastic Four, on which Warren was a director’s assistant.

The couple have been seen being affectionate together in Los Angeles in recent days, shopping for mattresses last Saturday and attending a Lakers game, where they were spotted kissing Sunday.

Well, congrats to the happy couple. Welcome to the terror of parenthood. You can kiss your affectionate kissing goodbye. It’s all over but the crying and the crapping.

The second installment in the Marvel Comics Fantastic Four series is set to be released in theaters on Jun 15, The Fantastic Four: Rise Of The Silver Surfer.

This is the summer for blockbusters with several big movies coming out over the course of the summer including Pirates of The Caribbean: At World’s End set for release this Thursday, May 24th just in time for Memorial Day Weekend, Harry Potter and The Order Of The Phoenix July 13th (the world premier is set for Jun 28th in Tokyo) and the new Fantastic Four nestled in the middle of these likely box office blockbusters.

The first FF was ok by “comic book” to “big screen” standards. It filled all the requirements of setting up the origin of how our superheroes Mr. Fantastic aka Reed Richards (Ioan Gruffudd), The Thing aka Ben Grimm (Michael Chiklis), The Human Torch aka Johnny Storm (Chris Evans) and of course, The Invisible Woman aka Susan Storm (Jessica Alba) get their powers – as well as their arch-nemesis – Dr. Doom aka Dr. Victor von Doom (Julian McMahon).

A “cosmic storm” (a full blast of intense radiation – it’s Marvel, what’d you expect) is the catalyst for the genetic mutations that transform the team of scientists and pilots. The original comic series, the four of them minus Dr. Doom, attempt a risky space trip to test our Reed’s latest invention, a space exploration starship. Faced with bankruptcy after spending all his inheritance working on his aeronautical inventions, Reed made a last ditch effort and asked two pilots, the quiet and gentle Ben Grimm, and the hotshot Johnny Storm to help him pilot his craft, along with his former flame (and older sister to Johnny) genetic scientist Susan Storm to accompany him on a mission in an attempt to keep his government backing for the project (gee that sounds familiar, see Green Goblin/Harry Osborn).

As we know, the cosmic storm bombards them with radiation and instead of dying a ghastly death, they are instead transformed into supercool superheroes: with the power to stretch, there’s Mr. Fantastic, the power to be really strong and durable, The Thing, the power to fly and create supernova strength heat, Human Torch and the power to turn invisible and create otherworldly force fields, Invisible Woman.

But wait, there’s more…