2012 Presidential Candidate Wants Your Vote (And Your Blood)
The GOP has tried everything to ascend to the White House. This old white guy, another old white guy, and that other old white guy. Why not vie for another old white guy ... with fangs?
Floridian native Jonathan Sharkey, who claims he's the great-great-blah-blah-blah-grandsomething of the notorious Dracula, announced his plans to run for president in 2012 as a Republican, and even more surprisingly, someone was there to write this all down.
Sharkey, 45, spent Friday on a Greyhound bus with his new fiancee, Audrianna Foster, a 19-year-old girl from Ohio he got to know online. She too believes she is a vampire, or vampyre.
Or "vamm-pie-arre." Or "really, really pale and loves the color black."
But the politically ambitious Sharkey is not new to the campaign trail. He ran for the presidency, the governor of Minnesota, and the U.S. Senate — all to shocking defeats. In fact, if he really is a vampire, then perhaps he's about 750 years old and even ran against Thomas Jefferson in the 1800 and 1804 elections under the assumed human name "Charles Cotesworth Pinckney." You won't find that in your history book.
But "The Impaler," as he is known to himself and probably nobody else, has some rather peculiar stances. He is against abortion, except in cases of rape, but he's going to kill all rapists, rendering the dilemma moot. He will legalize marijuana and prostitution, and really is in favor of personally impaling (read: IMPALING) those who break certain laws. "Jonathan Sharkey: Stabbing America Forward."
If given the choice between Sarah Palin, Mitt Romney, and a guy who says he's a vampire, the decision is a no-brainer. Unless, of course, a ninja zombie enters the race, in which case we're all going to be enslaved and/or eaten anyway.
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